The funniest, most relatable excuses gay men use to cancel plans—decoded
Okay, spill time: I finally confessed to my bestie that she now has all the excuses in my arsenal. Every time I’ve flaked, ghosted, or mysteriously vanished from plans… she knows exactly what was really going on. And let me tell you, seeing her laugh at my excuses—decoded and fully translated—is everything.”
Here are my 10 BEST excuses, ranked:
10. Excuse: “I’ll totally come… if you’re still out at 2AM.”
Translation: I never intended to come, but suspense is fun.
9. Excuse: “My hookup just texted, can we raincheck?”
Translation: Priorities: me > plans with you.
8. Excuse: “My Uber keeps canceling.”
Translation: I opened the app once and decided it was too much effort.
7. Excuse: “Work thing came up.”
Translation: I just really, really wanted to stay home and watch What We Do In The Shadows (again).
6. Excuse: “Hungover from bottoming last night.”
Translation: I know you’re unsure about bottoming – how will you argue?
5. Excuse: “My dog/cat/plant needs me tonight.”
Translation: I’m lying on the couch, staring at a dead plant.
4. Excuse: “Gym ran long, I’m exhausted.”
Translation: I scrolled Grindr in the locker room for 45 minutes and now I need a nap.
3. Excuse: “Mercury is in retrograde.”
Translation: I’m running out of excuses, but don’t want to hurt your feelings.
2. Excuse: “I have to take my prep at 9pm.”
Translation: I need to do literally nothing and call it medical necessity.
- Excuse: “Sorry, my IBS is acting up.”
Translation: I bottomed for a stranger yesterday and have been at urgent care all day
